Oh hope, why hast thou forsaken me?!?!

Well, it was bound to happen. I was kind of into this certain lady and I thought things were going in a good direction. Not really even dating but flirting a lot and escalating fairly well and then…. BOOM! She tells me about this guy that makes her feel like a school girl. At first I thought she meant me but then she kind of drifted away so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. Hehe. Now don’t get me wrong there are others that have blown me off and those I have as well but this was the first one since I started opening myself up again that has bothered me. Obviously, I’m not crushed. I have nothing left to crush. Not gonna open myself up that far ever again. (Thanks, Kristen!) I’m ok with that, though. However, I WAS hoping for this one. C’est la vie.

How much before you say “Enough is enough”? I don’t necessarily mean in a relationship but in all aspects of your life. A week or so ago in the club my boss had some sort of bug up his ass for me and I still don’t know why. I have two possibilities off the top of my head. 1. He’s been messing with a girl @ work and he’s been jealous lately. 2. I have been overstepping my bounds as a DJ talking about fines and such. (Of course most of that was directed at “his girl” so I still think it’s a jealousy thing.) Either way, he was being quite a D-bag. Kinda miffed @ me one night and out and out ignoring me the next and hinting that my job was on the line. I was really close to walking out the door and leaving them hanging on a Friday night potentially costing them thousands. Obviously I didn’t. However, I don’t like what I’m doing and that just about pushed me over the edge.

As far as on the relationship side of things, I am moving on. I wish I wasn’t. I still love Kristen though I’m not sure why and I KNOW she doesn’t deserve it. She has nmoved on. Hell, she did that before she even left. You know, with fucking another guy and all. Now I don’t have someone else. I have been dating and having fun but that’s all I want right now. She really fucked me up as far as trust goes. But I think it’s finally time for me to go and figure out my next moves. There are still some things, thoughts and feelings holding me back but I am tired of all this. I guess that’s how much I can take.

What about you? How much can you take? What does it take for you to make a change? Drop your stories and the comments or in an email. Let me know.

This past Wednesday I had the good fortune of reconnecting with some friends that I haven’t hung out with for a while. Sure we saw each other but it was more of an in passing thing. I would go to their place of business (A lot of my friends all worked together.) but, sadly, it closed about a month ago and have seen very little of my friends. They were all busy with school and trying to find and start new jobs. Heck, even before then, some of us didn’t get to hang out for a long time before that. They still had school and jobs. Ahhh, slaving away. Anyway, we got to get together, albeit briefly, and spend the late night together. It really brought back a time when all we did was hang out and throw back a few. It was a great time. For a long time we were just doing that and drowning my sorrows in regards to Kristen. I’m sure that got old. But this was like old times. It was fun. Filled with drinks, shots & revelry. I knew that I missed them but didn’t really know how much. It was great getting together for fun. My batteries were recharged. Sure, I’m out a lot meeting new peeps but that involves a lot of stress. This was the most relaxed I’ve been in soooo long.

Do yourself a favor and pick up the phone. Ring some friends you really want to see and do it. You’ll be surprised at how good you feel afterwards.

If you’re reading this, Tommy, Darcie, Jeremy, Dan & Ashely (she’s kinda new), I love you all. Thanks for the great time.

Killer weekend! Beautiful water. Beautiful people!

I’ve been doing some single’s type things lately as someone in my situation is prone to do. I must say that as I am one of “the rejected”, I didn’t realize how… dire, for lack of a better word, the situation is. Now this may sound mean, maybe it’s just because I am looking for something different or out of my league, as it were, but the people I am running into are not really my type. I think. Maybe because I tend to hang out with a younger crowd or maybe because of the club job or because my STBXW is a bit younger that I just seem to prefer someone a little younger than I am. The single’s scene I have gotten myself into seems to be my age or older. Maybe my confidence is just so shaken that I have low self-esteem. Hell, maybe I’m just a mutant too. I gotta figure it out soon, though. Tired of being by myself. Maybe the motorcycle I am gonna get will help. (Can someone say compensate?)

Well, I am experiencing something for the first time in memory tonight, rejection. It’s a very odd sensation. I never really thought about it but I guess I don’t get told ‘no’ very often, for whatever reason. Maybe I’m relatively good at what I am doing or maybe I always have had a good sense of timing when asking for… whatever. Now ,mind you, this is in my personal life where many things are new to me again but this can and does transfer to other aspects of life as well. After taking the rest of my personal experience into account, I guess my question to you is this: Now what? How do you get back up? How do you do it again? Do you try the same thing at a different point? So many questions, I know. What are your answers?

“…wonders why it always feels like I’m waiting for something?” is a query that MissAttitude, a burgeoning new friend of mine, posted on Plurk. It made me think of what I am, what we all are waiting for. Even though it seems like we are all rush, rush, rush, it seems to me that we are all waiting on something. Be it something in our professional or personal lives, we are all waiting on somethiing. The right time, the economic level, someone else to make a decision are all factors in our waiting. The Alphas in life take the bull by the…. horns. (I know what you thought I was going to say. Dirty, dirty, dirty.) What keeps the majority of the population Betas? Lack of drive? Fear? Hell, I don’t know. If I did, I’d be rich now by selling my secrets. Now, I know not everyone will ever be an Alpha all the time but we can all take the lead at some time. Sack up, as they say. Control your own destiny. Take the first step and take the lead on something small. What your world change as you snowball into the big decisions. You can do it. I believe.

This weekend is about getting back up, dusting myself off and get it going again. “What the hell are you talking about, UltimateSteve?” Calm down, I’m getting to that. Sheeesh! I posted a while back in post EPSILON about my social anxiety and self-worth problems with trying to meet new people of the female persuasion, well I’m going to do it this weekend. On top of the rest of the full schedule that I have this weekend, see Daily Insider, I am going to another mixer with Touching Elbows. Hopefully this time will be more than 30 seconds! I’m gonna show up early this time and meet the organizer when the crowd is nil and ease into it. Actually I’m pretty excited but am going into chill. At least that’s the plan anyway.

If I can do this, YOU can do this. Don’t sit around the house this weekend. If there’s something you’ve wanted to do, don’t be afraid, Just do it. What’s there to be afraid of? Somebody won’t like you? You’re a great person. Eff ‘em! Make this weekend memorable. See you after the weekend!

Alright, what the hell does he mean by “Plastic Fantastic”?

How good of you to ask. Let me explain.

Well, what you know so far is that I am single again (God I HATE that song.) and dipping my toe back into the dating scene. What you may not know is that I am here in the Tampa Bay area of Florida where the majority of the pretty people, or those that THINK they are the pretty people, are more shallow that a Tupperware lid turned upside down and filled with water. Not really the greatest situation when you are looking for a more intelligent person to have a couple of dates, or more, with. Awesome, though, if you’re just in it to win it for the night. Don’t get me wrong, there ARE some quality people around. They just seem to be few and far between. Hell, maybe I just don’t know where to look. But whilst I am still in this area I’ll keep searching on. I guess my point to all of my rambling is: In a society that worships the rich or the famous just because they are famous, where the bank account, car and abs are the most important thing, what chance is there for a normal, but in-freakin’-credible, guy to find that ’someone’, if any?

Wow! That’s really all that I can say. I have FINALLY gotten off my keester and started living a bit. With all that has happened I have found the need to do new things so that I don’t turn the corner and see ‘her’ in everything. (Even though I do anyway.) To that end I have found different groups of people to engage in activities with. Done NEW and exciting stuff ranging from drum circles (which I love) to concerts to laser tag and even tubing down the river. There are just some days that I am having the best time. Most of these things are firsts for me. Now, I’m not saying it hasn’t been hard, it has. Even though some people think I am a social butterfly, I’m not. Maybe I was in a life that seems just this side of forever ago, it’s just not that way any longer. It has been rough putting myself out there. After my recent developments, I obviously have self worth issues. Who wouldn’t? But for the most part putting myself in these situations has been worth it. The glimpses of sanity, sunlight and happiness I have had, however brief, has been worth overcoming the fear of “getting out there”. I know it’s hard, believe me, I know. But get out there and try something new. The rewards are definitely high. Take that first step, it’s a doozy!